the Funnelwhich

“At long last the terror of Ashton Kutcher is gone”

[COW, INDIA] In the small town of Lightsville, Colorado, a small town is breathing relief after the MTV series Punk’d ends its four-year reign of terror in this small town. A quiet town that sits on the edge of the majestic Rockies, it was once a booming railroad station until the robot horses replaced the locomotive. But unbeknownst to the rest of America, Lightsville has undergone a daily regimen of terror ever since 2003. Town elder Francis Arthur recounts how it started.

“We were all minding our business one day when a limousine pulled up to our general pharmacy. This young, loud kid with this crazy haircut got out and stood here, his hand twirling some punk gun.

“He starts yelling, demanding a mineral water and some vodka. Our pharmacists and our mayors have to go to him and calm him down. Apparently he was shooting some kind of big movie over by Granite and he had gotten lost even with his GPS navigation.

“So we got him some sodas and that seemed to calm him down until one our children stumbled over asking for an autograph. Mr. Kutcher starts snorting and laughing. ‘Why would I ever give an autograph to you, you stupid kid?’ he said. ‘You’re nobody!’ Eventually he laughed so hard he spilled some soda on his windbreaker. That’s when he started getting really mad.”

According to Mr. Arthur, Ashton Kutcher began to yell, “I will break this motherfucking town with my motherfucking cock and I will shove it up this collective asshole with my gigantic dildo of a cowshit motherfucking hentai cum senile asshole smegma.” And he drove off. This was 2002. The town did not hear from Kutcher until 2003 when rumor has it that Kutcher developed a new TV show, originally named Revenge Has It and then Revenge’s It and then Punk’d. The premise was to go around and prank celebrities but little did America know that Kutcher specifically intended to target Lightsville.

“He would put flatulence disks on our chairs that were permanently glued so everybody kept passing gas. He stole the kid’s bicycle and replaced it with one that had the brakes cut. The kid died crashing into a moving car, which we suspect Kutcher drove, because it also ran over the kid’s pet penguin, which had just given birth to a litter of cubs. He installed electric tripwires in our houses that would trip and shock people at the same time. Also, he burned our houses and raped everybody.”

When Lightsville attempted to contact the highest authority in the land—Dateline’s “Are You A Rapist? Well, Are You?” segment—they received no response and MTV personally filed hush papers over the entire case so that nobody heard from Lightsville until now. Eventually America’s ADD conscience passed over the town’s plight, and they suffered quietly and continuously for four years. One day, in 2007, Kutcher mysteriously disappeared. Today, the town rises in the morning tentatively, stepping around the tripwires and flatulence disks. It is another Kutcher-free day, and so they breathe easily as their hopes are vindicated.