the Funnelwhich

New JJ Abrams trailer Cloverfield actually a marketing campaign for The Simpsons

Commenting on the recently released trailer featuring home footage of an alleged attack on New York City, JJ Abrams apologized for capitalizing upon the 9/11 attacks, collapsing under pressure from 9/11 memorial groups. “It was never our intent to scare the good citizens of New York City with our brash, Hollywood ideals. Cloverfield was merely a marketing campaign for The Simpsons gone awry.”

JJ Abrams stated that the “monster” attacking New York City was actually a naked Lisa Simpson for which Abrams could neither get the approval to display from either Fox, which owns the Simpsons trademarks, or the MPAA. “What was supposed to be a charming, funny trailer turned into a bleak post-apocalyptic murder-mystery. Did you notice a guy at the party eating a donut? Did you?” Nobody had at the press conference. After realizing this, JJ Abrams went through a nervous breakdown, sobbing and heaving on the dry wood floor near his podium. His publicist stated he was exhausted and had been working on an intricate plot for the next ten seasons of Lost revolving around the mysterious penguin quacks the inhabitants of that ostensibly idealistic island hear, mournful swampy quacks that get softer everyday.

For his crimes, JJ Abrams has pleaded guilty in a New York City district court to three counts of poor marketing; he received 25 years to life. His mediocre television show Lost will be replaced by books, as should happen, and reruns of the hard-hitting Dateline segment spin-off Cancer, which exposes patients undergoing tough chemotherapy as big, weepy cowards. Cancer airs 8:30 PM Eastern, 1:00 AM Central, following Crying Girls and Schadenfreude.