the Funnelwhich

Pakistanis confused amid a surge of presidential candidates

[UNNAO, INDIA] It’s a bustling scene at Saturday’s Pakistani elections as the nation’s hard-working citizens gather to vote for their presidential candidate of choice. This year, however, Pakistanis have more than one candidate to choose from. As a result, thousands have committed suicide faced with more existential angst than before.

“Does free will really exist in a society of millions where each and every individual has disparate needs and wants?” one man screams as he plunges toward a taxicab with broken taillights, coincidentally christened “Death” by a drunk reveler after said reveler accidentally smashed a bottle of champagne on the license plate. So it goes.

Another complains: “The guy that we normally vote for … where is he on this ballot? He’s always number one! That’s how my ancestors have voted, and that’s how I will vote. This whole non-totalitarian thing is silly and confusing,” exclaims one confused woman at the heart of Bazaar, a city without any bazaars but plenty of churches.

Long time citizen Dennis Izen Smith tells us, “Back my days, whoever you voted for didn’t matter. Now it does; I saw these candidates debating on television. Real live debate with questions left unanswered. What are the answers? I need to know. What is the Liberal party candidate’s favorite lapel pin?”

Pressed, Smith admitted he only recently immigrated to Pakistan from his birthplace of Newark International Airport. “Back home, what did it matter what the name of the guy was: Clinton, Kerry, Clinton, Obama, Booth. Here, everything is crisp and different. Sure they look the same, and sure that whole twin plot might not play out, but voting for the wrong Musharraf could definitely land us in hot water. Was he a bad person or something?”

Smith is referring to the recent announcement of Musharraf for his bid for the presidential seat against incumbent Musharraf. Though they look alike, many political analysts have determined that ultimately their platforms differ enough to be significantly important. Says one political analyst, “This election decides the future of Pakistan democracy for the next century, at which point we may or may not have another election. We might be too busy being intimated to not have an election. I don’t know; I’d have to check my itinerary.”

I waited as he pulled up his Sunbird calendar.

“Let me see. Yes, yes, it looks like we are busy that year.”

One thing’s for certain, though. Everybody’s glad there aren’t Republican or Democratic candidates available because there’s no amount of pooper-scoopers in the world to clean up that mess.