the Funnelwhich

Trapped Utah miners find Narnia

After eight hours without food or water, trapped Utah miners from the Mormon Construction Company began to wander aimlessly about the coal corridors that underlined much of the Southwest America. As they began to feed on the flickering, fluorescent light bulbs, I interviewed them. Says one, “We found a patch of light coming from one corridor. When we went to investigate, we saw a glowing Victorian drawer. Inside was Narnia.” Soon after the miners visited Narnia, they exited through the Victorian drawer inside Granny Antique who lives on West 94th street down by the docks in Massachusetts. “Oh, people are always coming and going,” said Granny Antique. Then she chuckled and gave me cookies smeared with coal. I declined, and she stuffed me into a non-Narnia drawer.

Doctors say Granny Antique is blind, violent, and delusional. Close inspection of the Victorian drawer reveals that it is actually a porpoise. Closer still inspection would reveal that it is not a porpoise but a dolphin-king. When scientists investigate this problem, they are ultimately confronted with the chicken-and-egg problem: Did Computer Science Lewis draw his imagination from the portal that lays beneath the Utah desert or did someone construct this portal from one of the timeless, propagandas that Lewis meticulously wrote with nothing but a Bible and his blood? The dolphin-king may be the key to this entire riddle, but he brays and laughs at all attempts to interview him. And so I must unsheathe my cute-creature harpoon.