the Funnelwhich

Emma Watson grows more emotionally distant

[QUILON, INDIA] Following in the steps of her Harry Potter co-star Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson has become increasingly aloof and contemptuous of both costars Radcliffe and Grint. Says Daniel, “I offered her an apple one day during a shooting, and she threw it back at me. Then I cursed her with a Paralysis spell and forced her to eat the apple until the director finished cackling and told me to stop.” Daniel paused and then whispered, “I’m gonna kill that fucking director.” Then he exposed his bare chest and offered me tickets to his new play Naked People Doing Very Adult Things. And Also Did We Mention There Are Guns? in which Radcliffe produced, directed, and acted.

When contacted, Emma Watson’s new agent released a statement stating that Watson is attempting to “try out new things” in an effort to distance herself from the successful Harry Potter franchise. “Rather than being seen as Hermione her entire acting career, Emma would prefer that people see her as the actor who plays Hermione but is, in reality, a jeak—as all adults are.” Although Watson’s new agent has yet to be photographed, many fans of Emma Watson recently spotted a looming, shadowy figure hovering behind her at the MTV Movies Chosen by Harsh Teenagers Awards that, after Watson reportedly squealed excitedly, placed a bony hand on her shoulder and clamped and shook its head.

When asked about the specter in a recent E! Loud Entertainment interview, Emma Watson would only shake her head sadly, as if she had made a mistake like the Native Americans did when they sold the Louisiana Purchase to Secretary of Land Nicholas Jackson in the 15th century. When asked if her new agent had affected her acting performance, Emma Watson would only mention that all her scenes in the upcoming Harry Potter and Hey, We Can Just Shoot The Wanded Bad Guys movies involve her crying, even when she is kissing Daniel Radcliffe, creating a very salty kiss. The films’ editors could not be reached for comment according to a statement released by Warner Brothers. They are busy creating a CGI replica of Emma Watson with no additional physical enhancements except for the lack of tear ducts.

Harry Potter and The Morality Play can be seen in theaters nationwide July 2007. It is rated S for Same Old.

“At long last the terror of Ashton Kutcher is gone”

[COW, INDIA] In the small town of Lightsville, Colorado, a small town is breathing relief after the MTV series Punk’d ends its four-year reign of terror in this small town. A quiet town that sits on the edge of the majestic Rockies, it was once a booming railroad station until the robot horses replaced the locomotive. But unbeknownst to the rest of America, Lightsville has undergone a daily regimen of terror ever since 2003. Town elder Francis Arthur recounts how it started.

“We were all minding our business one day when a limousine pulled up to our general pharmacy. This young, loud kid with this crazy haircut got out and stood here, his hand twirling some punk gun.

“He starts yelling, demanding a mineral water and some vodka. Our pharmacists and our mayors have to go to him and calm him down. Apparently he was shooting some kind of big movie over by Granite and he had gotten lost even with his GPS navigation.

“So we got him some sodas and that seemed to calm him down until one our children stumbled over asking for an autograph. Mr. Kutcher starts snorting and laughing. ‘Why would I ever give an autograph to you, you stupid kid?’ he said. ‘You’re nobody!’ Eventually he laughed so hard he spilled some soda on his windbreaker. That’s when he started getting really mad.”

According to Mr. Arthur, Ashton Kutcher began to yell, “I will break this motherfucking town with my motherfucking cock and I will shove it up this collective asshole with my gigantic dildo of a cowshit motherfucking hentai cum senile asshole smegma.” And he drove off. This was 2002. The town did not hear from Kutcher until 2003 when rumor has it that Kutcher developed a new TV show, originally named Revenge Has It and then Revenge’s It and then Punk’d. The premise was to go around and prank celebrities but little did America know that Kutcher specifically intended to target Lightsville.

“He would put flatulence disks on our chairs that were permanently glued so everybody kept passing gas. He stole the kid’s bicycle and replaced it with one that had the brakes cut. The kid died crashing into a moving car, which we suspect Kutcher drove, because it also ran over the kid’s pet penguin, which had just given birth to a litter of cubs. He installed electric tripwires in our houses that would trip and shock people at the same time. Also, he burned our houses and raped everybody.”

When Lightsville attempted to contact the highest authority in the land—Dateline’s “Are You A Rapist? Well, Are You?” segment—they received no response and MTV personally filed hush papers over the entire case so that nobody heard from Lightsville until now. Eventually America’s ADD conscience passed over the town’s plight, and they suffered quietly and continuously for four years. One day, in 2007, Kutcher mysteriously disappeared. Today, the town rises in the morning tentatively, stepping around the tripwires and flatulence disks. It is another Kutcher-free day, and so they breathe easily as their hopes are vindicated.

“Les Misérables actually about bread,” says Victor Hugo

After the astonishing revelation from Ray Cadbury Egg that Fahrenheit 451 was actually a treatise on pyrotechnics, many authors like Noah Webster have also stepped forward to claim their original literary intent, most notably Victor Hugo, who claims his seminal work of redemption, justice, and wee French babes with cherub cheeks was actually a recipe for bread-making. “It is clear to any literary dilletante that Jean Valjean and his desire for bread guide and shape the plot like the bundt pan shapes the bundt cake’s sweet, soft caresses of forbidden love,” Hugo said, crying a bit like a big baby.

From then, Hugo says, Valjean enters an epic hallucination caused by his lack of carbohydrates and fiber, key and abundant nutrients in French bread. “That entire redemption and bildungsroman shit? Merely to move the plot along. I thought the readers would look past it! It was satire of the books of my time, with their stupid Romanticism and societal commentary! My books was a book of knowledge, a book of bread and fine wine, meant to instruct and not relate to the crass milieu of my time!” he spat, raising his fists and eyebrows at me, standing upon his heavy, mahogany desk from which he would read and translate The Funnelwhich every Sunday.

These days, Hugo sits quietly at desks when not denouncing his readers online via the Vanilla Café forum where he battles with the forum’s heavyweight contributors including i_heart_jeans and javert4ever. When I mention these names, he scowls and darkly mutters curses against his faceless enemies. “javer4ever continually fails to understand that Javert symbolizes the overkneading of bread, a mistake many novice cooks commit during their first breading session whereas Cosette and Marius represent yeast and baking soda, both crucial to leavening and without which bread cannot find salvation!” Then he crumpled. “I am too old for this. I am to die a lonely death, misunderstood by thousands of people.” “Actually, sir,” I say. “Millions if not a billion people have read your book.” Then, Victor Hugo punched me.

As I sat there rubbing my body, amazed at how the old man could throw a rabbit punch, I realized that even with countless theater adaptations and interpretative dances Victor Hugo—and not his flawed characters in Les Miserables—was the real hero. I wonder if he knew that, but looking at his sad face and his shaking hands writing his shaky memoirs, I think he’d be happier not knowing.