the Funnelwhich

New JJ Abrams trailer Cloverfield actually a marketing campaign for The Simpsons

Commenting on the recently released trailer featuring home footage of an alleged attack on New York City, JJ Abrams apologized for capitalizing upon the 9/11 attacks, collapsing under pressure from 9/11 memorial groups. “It was never our intent to scare the good citizens of New York City with our brash, Hollywood ideals. Cloverfield was merely a marketing campaign for The Simpsons gone awry.”

JJ Abrams stated that the “monster” attacking New York City was actually a naked Lisa Simpson for which Abrams could neither get the approval to display from either Fox, which owns the Simpsons trademarks, or the MPAA. “What was supposed to be a charming, funny trailer turned into a bleak post-apocalyptic murder-mystery. Did you notice a guy at the party eating a donut? Did you?” Nobody had at the press conference. After realizing this, JJ Abrams went through a nervous breakdown, sobbing and heaving on the dry wood floor near his podium. His publicist stated he was exhausted and had been working on an intricate plot for the next ten seasons of Lost revolving around the mysterious penguin quacks the inhabitants of that ostensibly idealistic island hear, mournful swampy quacks that get softer everyday.

For his crimes, JJ Abrams has pleaded guilty in a New York City district court to three counts of poor marketing; he received 25 years to life. His mediocre television show Lost will be replaced by books, as should happen, and reruns of the hard-hitting Dateline segment spin-off Cancer, which exposes patients undergoing tough chemotherapy as big, weepy cowards. Cancer airs 8:30 PM Eastern, 1:00 AM Central, following Crying Girls and Schadenfreude.

Virginia Tech hires Scooby Doo Gang to resolve bad luck

After a string of carbon monoxide leaks, tripping, and bell tower antics, Virginia Tech principal Josh Cautious hired the Scooby Doo Gang to inspect for weird paranormal phenomena around campus last week. “We are sick and tired of the fear, all the fear, all the fear coursing up and down the scaly, blood-soaked walls, oh the fear,” said Principal Josh in a phone interview done … without any phones. The Gang Report, released today, ultimately detailed a series of health hazards and architectural anomalies, but no paranormalities.

“This is, like, the most boring place I’ve ever visited, man,” said Shaggy Rogers, official spokesperson for the Scooby Doo Dang. “I find this place in total lack of decorum and paranormal circumstances with which to hang a hat,” intoned Scooby Doo, dropping his normally goofy accent for the press release, thus causing a mob to spay and neuter his British accent and his dignity. “The most exciting thing, gang, that I’ve seen in this place is a termite’s shadow!” exclaimed Fred “Tyrone Killer” Jones, “And Daphne’s sex-spider.” “Jinkies, that’s too much information!” said Andy Moore, audience member. Andy Moore was then booed out of the auditorium as Velma had died only days earlier due to a fatal accident involving ghosts, zombies, and and the truck that ran into her. Moore immediately tripped into a cauldron of dirty plum ego knives.

Morning dawns. Today, Virginia Tech principal Josh Cautious remains disillusioned though he tries to be resolute, blaming the turgid Gang Report on once again Virginia Tech’s bad luck and, of course, video games.

Neighbors question judgment of Kid Nation participants’ parents

After parents involved in the Kid Nation program subjected their children to extreme negligence and exposed them to extreme danger, neighbors of many of those parents have begun to question their good judgment. “I used to trust John with everything,” Ashley says, who lives next door to John Badparent, long-time resident of this quiet, nondescript suburban place. John’s child, Nicholas, was placed into Kid Nation after John wanted some fame. You see, John was never famous as a child, and he decided to live vicariously through Nicholas. That way, his child could be straddled with the same emotional baggage.

“But now, not so much,” says Ashley, mother of two children herself. “I’m seriously thinking of returning a music CD John recommended to me,” referring to the All that Glitters album that sits—unopened—on her desk. This trend is pandemic across all Kid Nation parents, I’m told. One man reports not buying the fruit his neighbor used to recommend. “It was good fruit, but now I just get this awful, icky taste whenever I bite into one of Dan’s recommended apples.” Another reports vomiting upon reading the complete works of John Steinbeck, recommended to her again by a Kids Nation parent Scientists have yet to determine if Kid Nation is the sole cause of that problem.

Tom Forman, who was the main producer of the show, has lost all friends. According to him, people have begun doing the opposite of what he tells him. “Not out of spite,” he says. “They just distrust me that much.” Schoolchildren, as they should, throw eggs, egg cartons, and sometimes whole hens at him. The hens’ eggs either hatch and produce more hateful chickens or become violent projectiles thrown by the hens again at the evil, miserable spirit that is Tom Forman.

Upon being questioned, the spokesman for CBS would only yell desperately, “Mistreating children is cool, right? What with first-degree burns and starvation and whatnot. Teenagers like that stuff! We’re hip! We’re hip! We’re still relevant!”