the Funnelwhich

“Les Misérables actually about bread,” says Victor Hugo

After the astonishing revelation from Ray Cadbury Egg that Fahrenheit 451 was actually a treatise on pyrotechnics, many authors like Noah Webster have also stepped forward to claim their original literary intent, most notably Victor Hugo, who claims his seminal work of redemption, justice, and wee French babes with cherub cheeks was actually a recipe for bread-making. “It is clear to any literary dilletante that Jean Valjean and his desire for bread guide and shape the plot like the bundt pan shapes the bundt cake’s sweet, soft caresses of forbidden love,” Hugo said, crying a bit like a big baby.

From then, Hugo says, Valjean enters an epic hallucination caused by his lack of carbohydrates and fiber, key and abundant nutrients in French bread. “That entire redemption and bildungsroman shit? Merely to move the plot along. I thought the readers would look past it! It was satire of the books of my time, with their stupid Romanticism and societal commentary! My books was a book of knowledge, a book of bread and fine wine, meant to instruct and not relate to the crass milieu of my time!” he spat, raising his fists and eyebrows at me, standing upon his heavy, mahogany desk from which he would read and translate The Funnelwhich every Sunday.

These days, Hugo sits quietly at desks when not denouncing his readers online via the Vanilla Café forum where he battles with the forum’s heavyweight contributors including i_heart_jeans and javert4ever. When I mention these names, he scowls and darkly mutters curses against his faceless enemies. “javer4ever continually fails to understand that Javert symbolizes the overkneading of bread, a mistake many novice cooks commit during their first breading session whereas Cosette and Marius represent yeast and baking soda, both crucial to leavening and without which bread cannot find salvation!” Then he crumpled. “I am too old for this. I am to die a lonely death, misunderstood by thousands of people.” “Actually, sir,” I say. “Millions if not a billion people have read your book.” Then, Victor Hugo punched me.

As I sat there rubbing my body, amazed at how the old man could throw a rabbit punch, I realized that even with countless theater adaptations and interpretative dances Victor Hugo—and not his flawed characters in Les Miserables—was the real hero. I wonder if he knew that, but looking at his sad face and his shaking hands writing his shaky memoirs, I think he’d be happier not knowing.

Bridges everywhere choose to collapse before 2008 begins

Following the I-35 MSR Bridge and Hunan bridge collapses, many bridges have begun pondering implosion or explosion. “We’re sick of people walking all over us, you know? We have feelings too,” said the Brooklyn Bridge, an old stalwart of the anti-human movement among primarily American infrastructure since the turn of the 20th century. “Did you know that they make car tires specifically to touch us and hurt us as much as possible?” Many bridges have adapted to the car annoyance by growing spikes or venom glands, leading to many horrific deaths as a car’s steel slowly warps into a tiny metal box, trapping humans inside as the bridge’s internal immune system ejects it to a tiny, watery death beneath, where the water demons hide and wait.

On Thursday, thousands of bridges marched down the streets in protest—destroying the streets in the process—chanting “We’re not highways, we’re not highways; Let us through, we’re not byways!” that echoes the bridge-highway tensions ignited in the 1955 Infrawar in which thousands of American casualties occurred after one resident called the Brooklyn Bridge the Brooklyn Highway by accident. In the world of bridges, the social hierarchy follows like this: airports, seaports, railways, bridges, roads, streets, and people. The rules, once de facto, were codified permanently in the 1821 Bridge Order Resolution Memorandum, commonly known as SimCity to many lowly pedestrians. It’s a common misconception that SimCity is a simulation game, an old wives’ tale held predominantly among humans. In reality, SimCity is an arcane and complex work of synthesis, bringing together legions upon legions of ancient infrastructure lore into one complex reference model of an idyllic world without any humans. It’s most telling that, though no humans appear in the SimCity games except Dr. Wright, who is actually an alien made excitement and hair, humans still believe the game is about them. “That’s a key example of how humans are always about themselves,” says Professor Rhodes, a bridge who works as a professor emeritus at the University of Hard Knocks. “Humans cannot bridge the cultural and social, ha ha,” and he could not stop laughing at his own pun. He died of asphyxiation due to the fixation to his own verbal libation.

The new parallel bridge installed as a companion to the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, quickly assimilated into one bridge, expects to collapse in December of 2007 in an attempt to postpone the inevitable conflict and to warn humans of the danger they face traveling not only it but all bridges without the due respect bridges everywhere demand. “It’s sad,” Mr. Narrows says, “but this is the we only way we know how to change people’s opinions about us.”

Undercover DEFCON reporter outed at MSNBC convention

Reporter Dole Hacker left the MSNBC convention amid tears and grief after Chris Matthews publicly exposed her as an undercover reporter on stage at the annual MSNBC Glitz Convention held in Santa Barbara, Ohio, the only convention center MSNBC can afford, where a dozen or less reporters gather to decide the fashion trends, lipstick, and gloss for the coming journalism year. Security guards and Chris Matthews began to suspect Dole Hacker after she entered the convention with a bulky analog video camera, marijuana, Cheetos, and ILUVYOU flavor Mountain Dew, named after the iPod virus that made people felt like they belonged that the FBI hunted down and destroyed due to skyrocketing American morale. Chris Matthew later commented on YouTube that “he had no regrets,” continuing onward to ask for lonelygirl’s phone number, which apparently is “FUCKYOU” or (911) 382-5968.

Hackers and the mainstream media have a long history of animosity ever since London Times reporter Edgar Allen Poe called eminent computer scientist Alan Turing a “retard” in the 812 A.D. volume 21, late nightly edition. Ever since, DEFCON deadbeat hackers and MSNBC irrelevant reporters have attempted to infiltrate each others’ conventions on a regular basis, slowly evolving into a respected and retarded tradition like the family heirloom of Grandpa’s teeth that chatter and scream obscene Latin phrases when you attempt to molest them. This year, however, marks the first time in a long time that one convention has reacted with anger. Neutral bystanders like white people says of Chris Matthews that he called Dole “a whorecunt” and “can’t drive,” which further stressed Chris Matthews’ complete irrelevance in life outside of Saturday Night Live parodies.

DEFCON representative Sam Lawyer refused to comment stating he was too busy not contributing to society; he then snorted a line of cocaine off of his podium.