the Funnelwhich

Washington politicians resign in mass exodus

As the third week of the Red Dawn draws nearer ever since Senator Clinton (John Wilkes Booth) assassinated Senator Obama (Abraham “Log” Lincoln), senators have begun to resign and leave their normally regal duties in an alarming mass exodus. “It’s like rats abandoning a sinking ship,” says Harvey Think, University of Napoleon Bonaparte political analyst.

When questioned, the senators would only skitter and fritter, squeaking awfully to the tune of a million sorrows. “That’s normal,” said Harvey. “We found the English language abandoned the Senate chambers in around 1988 after one senator ended one too many a sentence with a preposition.” He looks away, and something glitters in his eye. “Ever since, it’s been a champion of the people than these old souls that sit upon this graven hill.” Damn descriptivists.

And where are these Senators going? Many of them have disappeared or died as they attempt to integrate with society. Most are run over by cars, unaware of streets and roads. “They’re usually called Asphalt Pathways on the Senate floor due to a mistake made in a 1722 Senate procedure law so most senators cannot navigate roads, highways, or most other ground transportation.” If not run over, most starve, unable to scavenge for food in the circles they walk around Congress, circles that grow increasingly deep and wide as if a gigantic moat is being built separating our legislative branch of government from everybody else.

As such, many senatorial outreach programs have sprung up over the last week dedicated to finding senators in need and reeducating them. Most have exited these programs espousing contrarian and revolutionary views, leading many to suspect these programs to be run by Mob X, notorious underground undergrounder who aims to control such things. Still, it’s a small incident compared to when the Supreme Court justices left on the Strike of 1599. Upon exposure to the salty, sunny air, all the justices exploded violently, letting loose eons and eons of dust upon New Jersey, Massachusetts, Maryland, Virginia, New York, and even as far as Papua New Guinea. Widely believed to have caused the 17th century mini-Ice Age, the senators prompted the immortal Founding Fathers—living on nothing but the froth of the sea—added a clause to the Constitution forcing Supreme Justices to serve out their terms under the penalty of death.

Republicans and Democrats unite in apathy.

[WANI, INDIA] In a breathtaking vote, Republicans and Democrats have voted to officially shun the American public. In a 509-3 vote in a joint Senate-Republican vote, our legislative branch of government has decided to officially make the foremost and only concern of the nation themselves. “We’re tired of going through each and every election cycle, wandering aimlessly without getting anything done,” said Representative Harold Goldback, Missouri. “It’s time to do things right. It’s time for us to be happy!” he screamed, pulling off his suit and unleashing his inner surf rock.

Most are riding ponies around the Congressional dome that once stood proud to generations of statesmen. Some have affixed horns to their ponies so that they are pony-unicorns. “I always wanted a pony,” Representative Leahy yells at me from his 20-feet tall pony or, more accurately, Bronco God. He bought his Bronco God after he sanctioned stem cell research for the sole purpose of enhancing recreational horse size. He also reduced the size of the Congressional dome so that his horse, whom he has named Grant, can jump over it whenever he pleases. In addition, Leahy and many other senators turned horse-riders have removed the agricultural incentive programs suppressing oat growth so that they may feed their colossal, horrifying genetically engineered pets. When little Susie asked if she could have a pony, the answer was a resounding No. Susie would have cried had not a law banned that the previous day because the new horses melt at the first sight of water.

They melt into a pool of disillusion, quickly coined the Reflecting Pool by many D.C. tourists because, if you lean far enough in so that your reflection touches your nose, the acid will instantly blind you. Thus, you are given the rest of your life to reflect upon where the dilapidated state of American politics.

In addition, many statesmen have taken to the streets, naked. Everybody else, horrified. “My eyes,” screams one. “My eyes,” screams another. Demand for optometrist surgeons have skyrocketed in the local D.C. downtown area as naked representatives of our once great nation parade their birthday suits up and down the streets screaming, “Table this, bitches!” and giving the finger to the Ways and Means Committee, a committee of losers largely ignored and ridiculed among all the other more popular Congressmen.

The 2008 election cycle immediately stopped in its tracks. Instead of pandering to the retarded middle class of America, politicians from Obama to Booth have instead entered into a physical competition for presidency. Many hold Kucinich as a contender because most people want to see people get beat up or, failing that, see the analogous versions on prime-time reality TV or digg’s vigilante justice of the week category.

However, the White House remains impotent. Upon inquiring, all the press found was the president sitting on his regal throne, clearing brush from his faux ranch built inside the Lincoln bedroom. “Yeah,” he said shortly before I left.