the Funnelwhich

Undercover DEFCON reporter outed at MSNBC convention

Reporter Dole Hacker left the MSNBC convention amid tears and grief after Chris Matthews publicly exposed her as an undercover reporter on stage at the annual MSNBC Glitz Convention held in Santa Barbara, Ohio, the only convention center MSNBC can afford, where a dozen or less reporters gather to decide the fashion trends, lipstick, and gloss for the coming journalism year. Security guards and Chris Matthews began to suspect Dole Hacker after she entered the convention with a bulky analog video camera, marijuana, Cheetos, and ILUVYOU flavor Mountain Dew, named after the iPod virus that made people felt like they belonged that the FBI hunted down and destroyed due to skyrocketing American morale. Chris Matthew later commented on YouTube that “he had no regrets,” continuing onward to ask for lonelygirl’s phone number, which apparently is “FUCKYOU” or (911) 382-5968.

Hackers and the mainstream media have a long history of animosity ever since London Times reporter Edgar Allen Poe called eminent computer scientist Alan Turing a “retard” in the 812 A.D. volume 21, late nightly edition. Ever since, DEFCON deadbeat hackers and MSNBC irrelevant reporters have attempted to infiltrate each others’ conventions on a regular basis, slowly evolving into a respected and retarded tradition like the family heirloom of Grandpa’s teeth that chatter and scream obscene Latin phrases when you attempt to molest them. This year, however, marks the first time in a long time that one convention has reacted with anger. Neutral bystanders like white people says of Chris Matthews that he called Dole “a whorecunt” and “can’t drive,” which further stressed Chris Matthews’ complete irrelevance in life outside of Saturday Night Live parodies.

DEFCON representative Sam Lawyer refused to comment stating he was too busy not contributing to society; he then snorted a line of cocaine off of his podium.