the Funnelwhich

Black economist Tyrone Numbers blames black children for pushing him over

Neighbors of usually mild-mannered Tyrone Numbers were shocked last Sunday morning to hear him scream obscenities from his house, which interrupted their reading of The Funnelwhich, which is a newspaper published every Sunday. Upon investigation, Mr. Numbers was cursing at and ranting about the local primarily black pre-adolescent gang “Death from the Fifth Grade,” which had once again TP’d his garden and his cat. As his cat mewed quietly, I sat down to talk with the angry Mr. Numbers.

“Those kids hate me because they think I’m an Uncle Tom, doing economics work,” he said. Upon questioning, he revealed that Uncle Tom was a literary allusion. At first I thought it meant “nerd.” Mr. Numbers assured me this was not the case until I forced him to say it was via what we journalists call the Wedgie Method. “Those kids harass me every week. I’ve had it with their behavior. They pushed me over last week while I was getting the mail, and I nearly tripped into White Power Bill.”

Of course, community leaders were quick to intercept. Says Reverend Church, “I don’t see how this is anything but society’s fault. Obviously these children’s parents have failed them, and we should blame them. Wait, are their parents black too? Maybe it’s not their fault. I think it’s my fault.” Then he cackled and drank his pudding cup, which he threw out of the nursing home he resided. (We are legally obligated to inform you that Reverend Church is not a reverend but a two-time felon.) PTA leader Maggie Mom says, “I think Mr. Numbers is playing the hasty race card because he can’t deal with the fact that he’s an Uncle Tom.” Other PTA moms agreed, drawing their conclusion from a lifetime of harsh words and slanders that comes with the job of being a parent-teacher, a nebulous and hybrid form of human that takes several years of practice to perfect with very few rewards to reap and showcase afterward.

Says White Power Bill, “White power!” And then he flew away.

Sara Lee recalls bread donation

Sara Lee recalled over a ton of white and whole-wheat bread this Friday after finding that much of the bread had gone to the hobos.

“It was never our intention to feed the hobos,” a Sara Lee representative commented. “Most of that bread was to go to country clubs and restaurants with gold napkins. We apologize, and we hope it never happens again.”

Sara Lee, founded by Elizabeth Grant in 1218, has taken an anti-hobo stance ever since a hobo attacked Mrs. Grant with begging of money. After Mrs. Grant complied reluctantly, she later found out she could not deduct her donation from her estate and general abundance taxes without a receipt, which the hobo would not give no matter how many times Mrs. Grant maced him.

Sara Lee will replace all the recalled bread with “Metal Pieces Loaf”, a new flavor that comes from the dirty pennies and nickels rich people accumulate and throw away, much to the dismay of Alan Greenspan, who as we all know loves money.

Says one hobo, “Blaaaah.”