the Funnelwhich

“Les Misérables actually about bread,” says Victor Hugo

After the astonishing revelation from Ray Cadbury Egg that Fahrenheit 451 was actually a treatise on pyrotechnics, many authors like Noah Webster have also stepped forward to claim their original literary intent, most notably Victor Hugo, who claims his seminal work of redemption, justice, and wee French babes with cherub cheeks was actually a recipe for bread-making. “It is clear to any literary dilletante that Jean Valjean and his desire for bread guide and shape the plot like the bundt pan shapes the bundt cake’s sweet, soft caresses of forbidden love,” Hugo said, crying a bit like a big baby.

From then, Hugo says, Valjean enters an epic hallucination caused by his lack of carbohydrates and fiber, key and abundant nutrients in French bread. “That entire redemption and bildungsroman shit? Merely to move the plot along. I thought the readers would look past it! It was satire of the books of my time, with their stupid Romanticism and societal commentary! My books was a book of knowledge, a book of bread and fine wine, meant to instruct and not relate to the crass milieu of my time!” he spat, raising his fists and eyebrows at me, standing upon his heavy, mahogany desk from which he would read and translate The Funnelwhich every Sunday.

These days, Hugo sits quietly at desks when not denouncing his readers online via the Vanilla Café forum where he battles with the forum’s heavyweight contributors including i_heart_jeans and javert4ever. When I mention these names, he scowls and darkly mutters curses against his faceless enemies. “javer4ever continually fails to understand that Javert symbolizes the overkneading of bread, a mistake many novice cooks commit during their first breading session whereas Cosette and Marius represent yeast and baking soda, both crucial to leavening and without which bread cannot find salvation!” Then he crumpled. “I am too old for this. I am to die a lonely death, misunderstood by thousands of people.” “Actually, sir,” I say. “Millions if not a billion people have read your book.” Then, Victor Hugo punched me.

As I sat there rubbing my body, amazed at how the old man could throw a rabbit punch, I realized that even with countless theater adaptations and interpretative dances Victor Hugo—and not his flawed characters in Les Miserables—was the real hero. I wonder if he knew that, but looking at his sad face and his shaking hands writing his shaky memoirs, I think he’d be happier not knowing.

Sara Lee recalls bread donation

Sara Lee recalled over a ton of white and whole-wheat bread this Friday after finding that much of the bread had gone to the hobos.

“It was never our intention to feed the hobos,” a Sara Lee representative commented. “Most of that bread was to go to country clubs and restaurants with gold napkins. We apologize, and we hope it never happens again.”

Sara Lee, founded by Elizabeth Grant in 1218, has taken an anti-hobo stance ever since a hobo attacked Mrs. Grant with begging of money. After Mrs. Grant complied reluctantly, she later found out she could not deduct her donation from her estate and general abundance taxes without a receipt, which the hobo would not give no matter how many times Mrs. Grant maced him.

Sara Lee will replace all the recalled bread with “Metal Pieces Loaf”, a new flavor that comes from the dirty pennies and nickels rich people accumulate and throw away, much to the dismay of Alan Greenspan, who as we all know loves money.

Says one hobo, “Blaaaah.”