the Funnelwhich

Special prosecutor weighed for Gonzales

At a portly 183 pounds, Samuel Bottom is neither ashamed nor suicidal about his grossly overweight body, deflecting all invasive, personal questions I asked him with “It’s more muscle and water than fat. I work out a lot. I work out, OK?” His wife, however, paints a different story. “He comes home sobbing and exhausted, physically and emotionally. He just lies on the bed all day, absentmindedly doing casework on our bed headers. You know, those wooden things that sandwich fancy beds.” I did not know what she was talking about and was forced to back out of the interview session slowly, never making eye contact.

Ever since Secretary of Windmills Alberto Gonzales has taken reign of the Wind Department in the Jackson administration in 1281, he has implemented a strict and immortal regime of weighing prosecutors. Says Gonazales, “Es una guerra contra abogados gordos la que aspiramos hacer y nadie nos puede impedir.” However, in 1489, the High Court of Wizardry did indeed stop Gonzales because weight is a privacy and abortion issue, citing Fatso v. Feelings Hurter, Fat Baby v. Death Knell Pill, and Ass a Lot v. Kicks Ass. Thus, only state governments may go on death genocide sprees targeting the fat and the infirmed, a major win for state rights advocate Josh Gordon.

Gordon and his long lineage of hateful skinny people have hunted their fat brethren ever since the Jackson administration began in 1028 after the downfall of the God-Jesus theocracy due to a tornado of rampant graft and corruption that was no match for the Jackson-Jackson-Jackson 1027 election message “Light treason only.” Ever since Gonzales came in power, though, Gordon has had to stop because “all the federal bazookas were shooting down our fatsies,” citing that his AK-47 were no match for the Flying AK-47 Helicopters, living AK-47s that are the size of helicopters and can fly, with endangered animals as their primary source of prey and happiness.

Recently, however, the High Court of Wizardry has passed on to new federalist hands. As more power consolidates in the federal courts each day, the citizens wonder if have yet another pint of blood to spare for that day’s federal tax and another blonde, maiden daughter to sacrifice for the Supreme Jackson Deity whose hunger remains cruelly boundless. And it is people like Samuel Bottom who must suffer.

British researchers say the Darfur crisis is NP-complete

[VIJAYAWADA, INDIA] Recent breakthroughs in the field of complexity theory have yielded astonishing results about the computability of several international crises, or so a new British research report from the Dutch East Indian Genocide Company finds. Their findings culminate decades of international ignorance of humanitarian crises around the world because they are simply too boring and tragic. Ah, how many a journalist in this industry remembers the first humanitarian crisis way back in 1998 during the Great California Blackout when, faced with no computers, we were forced to talk to each other.

In complexity theory, a polynomial solution to a NP-complete, where NP is an acronym for Nasty Piles due to Alan Kay’s many kinky fetishes, problem implies nerds in 3M laboratories can solve all NP problems in polynomial time, provided the polynomials are very large and have many imaginary solutions. Also, due to the eccentricity of Alan Kay these polynomials must spell out “nasty piles” with their variables. Scientists balk at this rigid limitation but computer scientists nod sagely, as if they understand, leading many to suspsect a nasty piles revolution in the year 2182. Anyway, many occultists know for certain those solutions do not exist, a tragedy as today all NP-complete problems retain the prerequisite of a virgin sacrifice, leading to an underground death industry in many graduate computer science curriculums. Today, professors often solve this trickly dilemma by simply just using the four years to teach students 10% of Java.

Meanwhile, back at the DEIGC, a penguin waddles nearby and cuddles one of the scientists. They are too choked to speak. It is Monday morning and the weary mathematicians stand outside in the dreary British climate presenting their studies with infinite sorrow.

List of humanitarian crises and their corresponding computational complexity