the Funnelwhich

Emma Watson grows more emotionally distant

[QUILON, INDIA] Following in the steps of her Harry Potter co-star Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson has become increasingly aloof and contemptuous of both costars Radcliffe and Grint. Says Daniel, “I offered her an apple one day during a shooting, and she threw it back at me. Then I cursed her with a Paralysis spell and forced her to eat the apple until the director finished cackling and told me to stop.” Daniel paused and then whispered, “I’m gonna kill that fucking director.” Then he exposed his bare chest and offered me tickets to his new play Naked People Doing Very Adult Things. And Also Did We Mention There Are Guns? in which Radcliffe produced, directed, and acted.

When contacted, Emma Watson’s new agent released a statement stating that Watson is attempting to “try out new things” in an effort to distance herself from the successful Harry Potter franchise. “Rather than being seen as Hermione her entire acting career, Emma would prefer that people see her as the actor who plays Hermione but is, in reality, a jeak—as all adults are.” Although Watson’s new agent has yet to be photographed, many fans of Emma Watson recently spotted a looming, shadowy figure hovering behind her at the MTV Movies Chosen by Harsh Teenagers Awards that, after Watson reportedly squealed excitedly, placed a bony hand on her shoulder and clamped and shook its head.

When asked about the specter in a recent E! Loud Entertainment interview, Emma Watson would only shake her head sadly, as if she had made a mistake like the Native Americans did when they sold the Louisiana Purchase to Secretary of Land Nicholas Jackson in the 15th century. When asked if her new agent had affected her acting performance, Emma Watson would only mention that all her scenes in the upcoming Harry Potter and Hey, We Can Just Shoot The Wanded Bad Guys movies involve her crying, even when she is kissing Daniel Radcliffe, creating a very salty kiss. The films’ editors could not be reached for comment according to a statement released by Warner Brothers. They are busy creating a CGI replica of Emma Watson with no additional physical enhancements except for the lack of tear ducts.

Harry Potter and The Morality Play can be seen in theaters nationwide July 2007. It is rated S for Same Old.

Other books unhappy with Harry Potter glory

[RATANGARH, INDIA] Books everywhere, from Vanity Fair to Mary Ashley & Kate Kick Bad Guy Nuts, have united in outrage over the accolades readers have rewarded to Harry Potter. Says The Pickwick Papers, which represents the Dickens Union, “We were promised increase book readings across the board. What did we get? These stupid promotional Harry Potter Voldemort action figures!” To stress his point, he then squeezed Voldemort, producing a sort of bile from the plastic nipples, bile that dripped onto my black and white and waddling shoes.

Indeed, library checkouts of ordinary books have dropped by 3% since 2000, while Harry Potter has increased steadily by 2% per year, says Statisticks and Numericks About Libraries, whom I also interviewed.

When reached, the International Literature Council, currently headed by humans for the first time in three centuries since the Adobe buyout, refused to respond. They would only ominously speak of a day when all books would be gone and only electronic memory disks would be needed, disks that were compatiable with your 8-in-1 card readers and government databases. Also, eBooks.