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“Les Misérables actually about bread,” says Victor Hugo

From the Celebrities Grp with functors anger, books, food, love, and poverty

After the astonishing revelation from Ray Cadbury Egg that Fahrenheit 451 was actually a treatise on pyrotechnics, many authors like Noah Webster have also stepped forward to claim their original literary intent, most notably Victor Hugo, who claims his seminal work of redemption, justice, and wee French babes with cherub cheeks was actually a recipe for bread-making. “It is clear to any literary dilletante that Jean Valjean and his desire for bread guide and shape the plot like the bundt pan shapes the bundt cake’s sweet, soft caresses of forbidden love,” Hugo said, crying a bit like a big baby.

From then, Hugo says, Valjean enters an epic hallucination caused by his lack of carbohydrates and fiber, key and abundant nutrients in French bread. “That entire redemption and bildungsroman shit? Merely to move the plot along. I thought the readers would look past it! It was satire of the books of my time, with their stupid Romanticism and societal commentary! My books was a book of knowledge, a book of bread and fine wine, meant to instruct and not relate to the crass milieu of my time!” he spat, raising his fists and eyebrows at me, standing upon his heavy, mahogany desk from which he would read and translate The Funnelwhich every Sunday.

These days, Hugo sits quietly at desks when not denouncing his readers online via the Vanilla Café forum where he battles with the forum’s heavyweight contributors including i_heart_jeans and javert4ever. When I mention these names, he scowls and darkly mutters curses against his faceless enemies. “javer4ever continually fails to understand that Javert symbolizes the overkneading of bread, a mistake many novice cooks commit during their first breading session whereas Cosette and Marius represent yeast and baking soda, both crucial to leavening and without which bread cannot find salvation!” Then he crumpled. “I am too old for this. I am to die a lonely death, misunderstood by thousands of people.” “Actually, sir,” I say. “Millions if not a billion people have read your book.” Then, Victor Hugo punched me.

As I sat there rubbing my body, amazed at how the old man could throw a rabbit punch, I realized that even with countless theater adaptations and interpretative dances Victor Hugo—and not his flawed characters in Les Miserables—was the real hero. I wonder if he knew that, but looking at his sad face and his shaking hands writing his shaky memoirs, I think he’d be happier not knowing.

Washington politicians resign in mass exodus

From the Politics Grp with functors congress, history, law, mystery, and poverty

As the third week of the Red Dawn draws nearer ever since Senator Clinton (John Wilkes Booth) assassinated Senator Obama (Abraham “Log” Lincoln), senators have begun to resign and leave their normally regal duties in an alarming mass exodus. “It’s like rats abandoning a sinking ship,” says Harvey Think, University of Napoleon Bonaparte political analyst.

When questioned, the senators would only skitter and fritter, squeaking awfully to the tune of a million sorrows. “That’s normal,” said Harvey. “We found the English language abandoned the Senate chambers in around 1988 after one senator ended one too many a sentence with a preposition.” He looks away, and something glitters in his eye. “Ever since, it’s been a champion of the people than these old souls that sit upon this graven hill.” Damn descriptivists.

And where are these Senators going? Many of them have disappeared or died as they attempt to integrate with society. Most are run over by cars, unaware of streets and roads. “They’re usually called Asphalt Pathways on the Senate floor due to a mistake made in a 1722 Senate procedure law so most senators cannot navigate roads, highways, or most other ground transportation.” If not run over, most starve, unable to scavenge for food in the circles they walk around Congress, circles that grow increasingly deep and wide as if a gigantic moat is being built separating our legislative branch of government from everybody else.

As such, many senatorial outreach programs have sprung up over the last week dedicated to finding senators in need and reeducating them. Most have exited these programs espousing contrarian and revolutionary views, leading many to suspect these programs to be run by Mob X, notorious underground undergrounder who aims to control such things. Still, it’s a small incident compared to when the Supreme Court justices left on the Strike of 1599. Upon exposure to the salty, sunny air, all the justices exploded violently, letting loose eons and eons of dust upon New Jersey, Massachusetts, Maryland, Virginia, New York, and even as far as Papua New Guinea. Widely believed to have caused the 17th century mini-Ice Age, the senators prompted the immortal Founding Fathers—living on nothing but the froth of the sea—added a clause to the Constitution forcing Supreme Justices to serve out their terms under the penalty of death.