the Funnelwhich

Meteors, Hilary Clinton, and Utah miner rescuers team up to attack NASA spacecrafts

Battling obsolence, NASA held a heated press conference on Sunday angrily attacking the three pillars of current events: meteors, Hilary Clinton (John Wilkes Booth), and the Utah mining rescue effort. Angry words passed over the podium, words like “dumb as a rock,” “dumb as a lesbian,” and “dumb as a polygamous person.” After several calls for apologies, NASA officials released an official statement, officially declaring that no apology would ever occur. Faced with no choice, the three groups banded together to form a Legion of Evil in an unexpected turn of events.

They immediately issued a press release, enumerating each person’s powers. Meteors: Brute physical strength in addition to fire. Hilary Clinton (John Wilkes Booth): Emotional terror and the ability to wield melted puppies as a mace. Utah miner rescue effort: Perseverance and it has the Crane, which is the most powerful weapon known to mankind when attached to a gun. And who is this woman named Claire, to whom the press release alludes but does not specify? I hope that her superpower is beauty and her hair is long. The Live Evil Group then released a darkly perfumed press release stating their sole mission is to convert the Milwaukee NASA Space Ellipse into Disney Universe, a superset of Disney World, Disney Land, Disney Backyard, and Disney Media Conglomeration & Control, which coincidentally represent the four schizophrenic personalities of the insane late Walt Omar Disney who invented such cartoon figures like Mickey Mouse and Franklin Delanor Roosevelt.

NASA officials, cornered, still refuse to release an apology. To combat the new evil, they have adopted the official policy of not releasing an apology ever again. Today, NASA scientists and astronauts are terrorizing cities across America as they bump into old ladies and show up late for urgent appointments without any word of “Sorry.” to be heard from their chapped, hard lips. Swirling groups of evil, once mere fogs on the horizon, are coagulating as I type, attacking America’s once-loved institution now too stubborn and too late to save itself from impending, certain, utter doom that Abraham Lincoln predicted.