the Funnelwhich

NASA concludes alcohol investigation, says astronauts were “high on life”

After extensive reviews and interviewing, NASA has concluded the astronauts riding the C400 missile were “high on life” and “posed no risk to the aircraft, which was worth twice their life savings combined.” NASA’s investigation started after routine C400 missile launches and landings exhibited larger and larger wobbles until its motor crooned and had to be petted into a state of relaxation by NASA’s official missile whisperer.

NASA’s 405-page report documents the astronauts’ increasing exhilaration at escaping from their family for periods of six months along with the romantic sexual freedom space travel provides. Says one anonymous astronaut Mary Kann, “The stars out there make me feel tingly. Oh yeah, all tingly inside.” before she began to uncomfortably grope the interviewer. NASA has long struggled with space sex ever since Neil Armstrong copped a feel from Buzz Lightyear in their movie Apollo 9, which documented their ongoing efforts to fight the Greek God not with violence but astrophysics. Eventually, the resorted to violence after Lightyear discovered Apollo had not fireproofed his bow with asbestos as NASA had done with their astronaut suits, just in case any emergency landings on the Sun had to be done.

NASA’s report went on to excerpt from the Kamasutra, a 19th century novel written by Charles Dickens that revealed the sordid life of orphan pornography rings whose creeds of “Abelian to the max.” transgressed law and human morality. Ostensibly, NASA’s report is designed to further stimulate and arouse, raising questions among NASA watchdogs like PLUTO (Pluto Likes Uranus; Train Orgasm) on whether NASA is dedicated at all to combating these missile joyrides that, as each day passes, bring back fewer and fewer clouds. For CBS News, this is Rusty Jacobs.