the Funnelwhich

Bridges everywhere choose to collapse before 2008 begins

Following the I-35 MSR Bridge and Hunan bridge collapses, many bridges have begun pondering implosion or explosion. “We’re sick of people walking all over us, you know? We have feelings too,” said the Brooklyn Bridge, an old stalwart of the anti-human movement among primarily American infrastructure since the turn of the 20th century. “Did you know that they make car tires specifically to touch us and hurt us as much as possible?” Many bridges have adapted to the car annoyance by growing spikes or venom glands, leading to many horrific deaths as a car’s steel slowly warps into a tiny metal box, trapping humans inside as the bridge’s internal immune system ejects it to a tiny, watery death beneath, where the water demons hide and wait.

On Thursday, thousands of bridges marched down the streets in protest—destroying the streets in the process—chanting “We’re not highways, we’re not highways; Let us through, we’re not byways!” that echoes the bridge-highway tensions ignited in the 1955 Infrawar in which thousands of American casualties occurred after one resident called the Brooklyn Bridge the Brooklyn Highway by accident. In the world of bridges, the social hierarchy follows like this: airports, seaports, railways, bridges, roads, streets, and people. The rules, once de facto, were codified permanently in the 1821 Bridge Order Resolution Memorandum, commonly known as SimCity to many lowly pedestrians. It’s a common misconception that SimCity is a simulation game, an old wives’ tale held predominantly among humans. In reality, SimCity is an arcane and complex work of synthesis, bringing together legions upon legions of ancient infrastructure lore into one complex reference model of an idyllic world without any humans. It’s most telling that, though no humans appear in the SimCity games except Dr. Wright, who is actually an alien made excitement and hair, humans still believe the game is about them. “That’s a key example of how humans are always about themselves,” says Professor Rhodes, a bridge who works as a professor emeritus at the University of Hard Knocks. “Humans cannot bridge the cultural and social, ha ha,” and he could not stop laughing at his own pun. He died of asphyxiation due to the fixation to his own verbal libation.

The new parallel bridge installed as a companion to the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, quickly assimilated into one bridge, expects to collapse in December of 2007 in an attempt to postpone the inevitable conflict and to warn humans of the danger they face traveling not only it but all bridges without the due respect bridges everywhere demand. “It’s sad,” Mr. Narrows says, “but this is the we only way we know how to change people’s opinions about us.”