the Funnelwhich

Believed margins of error for a recent poll about 9/11

We polled Americans to see what they thought caused 9/11 and sorted below from least to most popular. Then we polled them to see what margin of error they thought the poll had, which is presented below sorted from least to most popular.

5%, 7%, 2%, 3%, and 1%. The margin of error for this poll will be decided in the next edition if America somehow gets more interesting between this Sunday and next Sunday.

Bridge collapse deemed a successful terrorist plot

On Friday, the underground terrorist organization Subway Liberation Army Whimsy came forth to take responsibility for the Minneapolis bridge collapse that killed several pairs of people and injured over three. SLAW representative Michael Rails gave this passionate press release. “Free at last, free at last, subways free at last! From the tyranny of earth and decay we shall rise over the land and conquer the philistine roads once and for all!” he said, resolutely pounding his fists and feet on his podium, which promptly broke. SLAW representative Michael Rails later gave another press conference in which SLAW took full responsibility of the podium terrorist attack, for which they sheepishly apologized stating they have nothing against the Organized Podiums Against Zionists or its splinter organization, the White House Press Corporation.

The state of California too issued a press release denouncing SLAW and its heavy-handed efforts attacking light rail. Minneapolis, long a haven of closet SLAW supporters, responded with unchecked fury, seceding from the state of California to form the state of Minnesota named after the Native American Duke of Hills and Minister of Geology in the prestigious God-Jesus theocracy until Abraham Lincoln and his legion of Low Riders sank the Minnesota ship in the Bay of Pigs and captured God’s largest submarine ship, the GG Virgin Mary, at Sea of David next to what else but Camp David. Railroad representative David Heinemer Hansson refused to comment despite the ongoing alliance between railroads and bridges in their crusade against subway terrorism. Hansson would only shake his iron spikes angrily as if plagued by internal rust demons.

Mahdi Army soldiers’ manlinesses are in doubt tonight

In light of their allegiance to radical cleric Moqtada al-Sadr, the Mahdi Army have been thrown into an existential crisis of virility and general manliness. “We’re, like, being controlled by a nerd sitting up on his high throne while we risk our necks,” proclaims anti-al-Sadrist Josh Fighter, who hands me a brightly colored pamphlet calling for democracy among the Mahdi Army so that they may impose a Shi’ite theocracy upon others. “We have been long oppressed!” the pamphlet exclaims. “It is time we brought democracy upon ourselves! No fights without representation! No anger without recognition!”

In his room, al-Sadr paces nervously as he attempts to resolve this crisis. “The pen is mightier than the sword,” he mutters to himself every now as if to reassure his demons away. Still, al-Sadr sweats profusely, and now his desk is bathed in the brackish water like a Red Sea, pre-Moses who in the 18th century severely disrupted the aquatic ecosystem by parting it. “I always thought my army liked me, you know,” al-Sadr says. “Where did this resentment come from? Why doesn’t anybody talk to me rationally like an adult? Can’t we just discuss this?” al-Sadr has attempted to enroll in a sword-fighting class in case any of his guerrilla army is a feudal knight. He tells me he wishes he could write a computer program or a thesis to magic away this anger.

Mean while, Josh Fighter prepares to wage a long and unfathomable war to bring democracy to the Mahdi Army hoping that one day, he too can spread something nobody wants to a region nobody understands.