- Separate the songs into the ones you like and the ones you don’t just as an art critic would separate the elements of a painting into squares and analyze them square by square.
- Draw a comparison between album and the "feel" of another band. Address a comparison made by another person and point out its faults. Come away victorious, knowing your taste has prevailed as the objective one.
- Fail to discuss any actual mechanics of the music such as rhythm, tempo, lyrics, cohesiveness, dynamics, and instruments.
- Pick an emotion. Stick by it. Albums only have one predominant emotion worth talking about.
Additional bonus tips for Pitchfork writers
- Hire Smalloddpilot to reduce the font size to 8 points. Resist the inner urge to use relative sizes. Being 1998 is hip.
- Go above and beyond an emotion with any of the following nouns: Achievement, Boundaries, Triumphs, Accomplishments, Methodology, Irony, Redundancy.
- Add history. This makes you seem less crazy hobo and more pretentious crazy hobo.
- Draw an unsavory, unfavorable contrast between band in 2007 and a band that was famous before 1960. Five points if during 19th century.
- Wrap review in blue vomit watercolor background and black dotted lines. Ignore rational color choices.
- Find a rating between 0.0 and 10.0 because it is possible to put your attitude toward an album on a scale with 101 possible point values. You’re just that good.
- Mock any pursuits such as commercials, fancy album covers, mainstream sounds, and change in band philosophy. People should never change. Or make money.
- Post images and videos. Pretend you run a blog.
- Sit back. Rub your chest in long, slow circles.