Web 6.0: Soliloquies overtake pornography as the most common form of Internet traffic. Pornography and gambling, unable to combat the increasing narcissism and self-isolation of the Internet, quit permanently. With print media imploding simultaneously, the global world culture experiences the Dark Ages of erotica for several centuries until it finds a voice when electronic print is perfected by Icelanders. Valley of Heart’s Delight upstarts are unable to advertise their oils as even Google cannot penetrate the ad-free, video-only environment of the Internet. In a bold venture, beer companies hire actors to produce personal monologues and viral ads; both formats are too glitzy to ever attract more than a handful of the now-ancient YouTubers of yore. Some companies attempt to use management-level personnel as “actors” in combination with homely production values. This achieves the intended effect of community acceptance, but with it comes a complete lack of Internet traffic. Mission accomplished. Venture capitalists abandon the Valley, and a vast space of parking lots and secondary succession takes over.
Web 7.0: Google, neither able to index video content nor place ads in them, emanates its last few quanta of light and terminates, marking the denouement for the post-bubble Internet era and the catalyst of an era where the idea of user-generated content reaches its absurd conclusion. In lieu of erotica, Fan-Fiction.net becomes the only source of sexual taboos, fetishes, and cobwebs. It experiments with user-generated porn photography and video for a week though the quality and concepts behind most of the initial submissions create massive voluntary eye gougings among the community. Overnight, the Internet population decreases by 5%, doing to the Internet what the bubonic plague did to Western Europe. The market system of the United States sputters and stops, unable to ensnare 18-36 year olds. Most public relations firms turn to the business of making pizza dough, having found this cheese-and-bread staple to be a lucrative industry in the new self-isolation culture. As advertisement designers and market researchers turn to the dark arts, the pizza industry experiences a Renaissance in technology, spurred by increased profits and desperation. Liquid pizza becomes the second hottest fad, second only to IV-drip pizza and heroin designer jeans. SomethingAwful continues to grow, becoming the third largest source of Internet traffic according to Alexa. Alexa by now, of course, is a black-hat company completely devoted to the subterfuge of the world hegemonies and the Internet infrastructure. They fail, miserably. Iceland’s fjords become the location of a new, global Silicon Valley headed by a coalition of everybody except America and a largely deserted, single-country Africa. That country’s name? The Republic of Machetes.