The valley of dolls.
Adam bent on his knees and asked God for fruit for the coming winter. God frowned, spiritually speaking.
“Fruit. Again?”
“Well, o Lord, it is just that vitamins seem to be especially important in the winter. To fight off colds, flus, you know.”
“Are you saying this is my fault?”
“I’m not saying that you created viruses to hurt me,” Adam hurriedly injected.
“But you know that I created them, right?”
“Yes, yes, yes. It’s just, you’re benevolent and such, and this makes my brain hurt, so could I just have some fruit?”
“I shall think.” And God went away, spiritually speaking.
And Adam sat down and twiddled his thumbs because there wasn’t much to do in Paradise after you talked to all the incredibly horny animals for the umpteenth time.
Then Adam fell back in a paroxysm of intense chest pain. Painfully slowly, the cells of his rib began to agitate and devolve into stem cells at a biologically impossible speed before regressing to a single zygote.
A pause. Adam kept shaking, hoping the eventual shock would render him unconsciousness.
Then the pain elevated as the zygote divided and divided and specialized and divided until a very tiny human (the word “baby”—through all the pain—passed through Adam’s mind) laid still on his chest before transgressing rapidly into childhood, then puberty, and then adulthood.
A very confused woman stood on Adam’s chest, breaking some of his remaining ribs.
A loud voice boomed into Adam’s mind. “Er,”
“I think that went quite well,” God said.
“could somebody heal my chest; maybe an omnipotent being or something” Adam wheezed.
“Oh fine.” And it was so.
Adam pushed Eve to one side and sat up, coughing and reeling from the intense biologically impossible trauma he had just experienced. Eve’s fall was broken by her head because That Was Physics And This Is A Consistent Universe.
And thus God revealed unto Adam and Eve to be kind of a jerk.