The Dark Balloon

A weblog by Hao Lian.
A terrible secret guarded by golems.
A note that thanks you for being born, all those years ago.

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Joshua.

Joshua watched as Moses collapsed on the stage. The desert’s blinding heat grew angry around him. It is well-known that climate will change to mark historical events. And, like Moses, it came and went.

Joshua stared at Moses. Joshua stared at the nothingness. He stared at it as he walked back to his tent. He stared at it when the desert turned cold, then very cold, then deathly cold. He stared at it when he closed his eyes.

He knelt down to pray. The Ten Commandments, he thought. Words from God himself, and not just any God. A decimalized, metric, proper God. To give structure to life, to give hope and beauty and meaning and—Joshua couldn’t stop shaking. The pictures of Moses, splayed dead before a crowd that, now, barely could remember him bubbled above the murk in his head, only to be viciously stuffed down by everything else. His hand twitched.

“Joshua?” A divine voice boomed into Joshua’s head. His hand began to really twitch.

Moses had warned Joshua about this. When Moses first heard the voice of God, he had to wash not only his britches but his socks, his shirts, and even his hat. It had been shocking—explosively shocking. Still, God’s voice came as a surprise to Joshua, whose most religious experience had been watching the execution of a man and then vomiting in a nearby toilet. In the face staring back at him on the porcelain bowl, he gave up, passed out, and saw a shining light.

Joshua stammered.

“Joshua, this is your Lord.”

“Yes, my Lord. What …” Joshua paused. He doubted the English language had the proper words, so he took a random stab. “What can I do for you?” He cringed; the English language cringed; several nearby animals felt the necessity to cringe. One of the continually-starved and therefore incredibly cynical desert lions blushed.

“Joshua, in a few days time, those awful people outside will choose you as your leader.”

“Why me, O Lord?”

“Moses chose you. You’re in his will, you know,” God said. If God had a Face, Joshua imagined that He would be smirking triumphantly in some sense of Cosmic Irony that He knew Joshua could not fully appreciate.

* * *

Joshua had reached for the shining light in his moment of depression, but a larger, more suffuse green light had overcome the white light. The light of doubt. He had snapped out of his slumber on the toilet seat, flushed it, and staggered outside. The mob, returning from the execution of the innocent man—the innocent men? Did it matter?—, rushed past him, drunk and happy and ignorant and cruel and happy.

Damn that old man, Joshua secretly thought. I just wanted to say hello. Then he goes and nominates me for some idio—

“I can hear your thoughts, you know.” Joshua stopped, feeling an unsettling combination between embarrassment, shame, and the fear that he might spend eternity in Hell with his soul constantly flambéed by spirits of infinite evil.

“If you have any doubts, Joshua, of the ineffability of it all, please—”

Joshua interrupted, “No. I am a servant of the Lord.”

“Aren’t we all?” God boomed, impassively.

Joshua waited.

“Ha ha,” God laughed, impassively.

Joshua sat, silent.

“It’s funny because I Am Completely Omnipotent.”

[(2008 October 25, 2!) .]

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Book of Numbers and Deuteronomy

Happy Easter. This wraps up the Torah. —ed

It was a grand pyramid scheme, and it spread through the camp—math Camp Sine—like wildfire. All you had to do was send $15, which everybody had because this was no broken-down, children of the unemployed math camp. $15! $15 and some recruits for exponential profit. The letter promised riches and adventure and stipulations, but who had time to read the words after “promised” and “riches”?

Moses went around to each bunk and woke people up. They sat up and stared at the serious young man with the serene eyes who had followed Commutative around until Commutative left to God knew where.

“Gee, what time is it?”

“It doesn’t matter, we have to leave.”

The other shoe, the shoe labeled “stipulations,” dropped for 60.4% of the Camp Siners. And in case you couldn’t hear the soft THUD of the shoe as it landed, Moses was happy in his own righteous way to wave the contract you had signed so quickly, in which you entrusted Moses with your already-hazy future. So it all boiled down to, again and again,

“Why?”

Because Camp Sine had grown too large. Because the bug juice was running out when it shouldn’t have been. Because the bunk cabins had expanded to the point where you could walk from the Tree of Knowledge to the Sea of Life by skedaddling across the roofs; you’d never have to once touch the ground. Wood plank to wood plank, Camp Sine’s population density had increased—exponentially—until it was hardly any fun to go out on Tuesdays and shoot the bluebirds that flitted and lived on the Tree of Knowledge. But this was home, and nobody wanted to leave and nobody wanted to believe there was consequences for actions.

“Bring the firearms,” Moses told everybody. What was it like, hearing that before you had even put on your socks and blink twice in the dark? What sort of “Good morning, starlight.” was that? Nobody knew, and the confusion among the select pyramid elite was mounting—exponentially. Moses was facing some hard numbers.

What was amazing was that Moses was extraordinarily young for a person, much less a leader and a visionary for the type of people attracted to summer camps of any persuasion: math, science, band, concentration, density. The same ultimately withdrawn, ostensibly gregarious, innately outcast, and really solemn people that glared at you with those beautiful blues. The type of people who thought “mess hall” and “bug juice” constituted a good lexicon, and that physical and meaningless activities were a good idea when it was summertime in the middle of a forest. The type of people who believed summer was allotted to escapism all along because if it weren’t, would we ever be happy and now that we’re here, are we happy?

Moses was unhappy. The forest and then mountains and then desert that surrounded Camp Sine had instilled in his group a profound sense of regret and homesickness and dysentery, although that might have been the rotting provisions. Miriam and Aaron, who came from a fancy upstate section of a fancy cosmopolitan city in a fancy East Coast city, provoked Moses to no end. People called them the Regal Couple; it was a compliment when they were in earshot and, when they were gone, a disgusted condemnation of their arrogant opulence. Moses was quiet and poor, which people found amid all his quirks and solitude … honorable, which baffled Miriam and Aaron who believed a human’s worth was a weird way of spelling “wealth.” They called him names and jeered when he tried to give speeches. It only intensified Moses’ stage fright. They ate more than their rations. They stole. They bullied the younger campers. Moses gritted his teeth; none of the other campers could do anything because Aaron’s family was rich and pulled strings when strings needed pulling. One time a kid nearly drowned because Aaron held him underwater and was too busy laughing to feel the tiny body going limp in his laughing, laughing hands. Only a handful of kids saw it; one kid reported it anonymously. The counselors relayed it to Aaron’s well-to-do father. The news came gently, of course, in a way to not prevent future donations to Camp Sine. The kids involved never appeared again at Camp Sine. And Aaron got away with it because money still spoke around here and sometimes it spoke very menacingly. Nobody liked to talk about that incident although people still heard Miriam’s tinkling laughing from time to time on that very subject, the laughter exuding from that pretty, vengeful face of hers.

So Moses was unhappy.

There were almonds everywhere. This didn’t help.

Was there ever a hope of finding a better summer camp? Moses would never entertain the one horrifying possibility, and he refused to discuss it. The kids that followed him, out of loyalty or contract law or whatever it was that binded them together when the sun above them threatened to dissolve everything it touched and the desert floor seemed to suck the moisture out of their mouths and lips and eyes and canteens and hands and feet. They stuck together because they had to stop the journey from taking everything they had. They stuck together because even the lazy, thin, and spineless clouds above them swooped and leered at them. Trailing behind them walked Sin and Death; they too were holding hands.

People were collapsing and not getting up.

At last Moses called an assembly. Desperation hung thick in the air. “Look, guys, there are some rules you have to follow. One: We need to ration the food. I don’t have an exit strategy, but this excursion should only take about six months—”

Groans drowned out Moses and his brilliant military strategy.

“We want to go back to Camp Sine!” one camper said. Many around him agreed this was a smart idea and demonstrated their support by starting a riot. They threw what little food and drink they had left at each other, most of which evaporated immediately in the chimerical daylight and floated upward toward a cruel God. Sin and Death watched without movement or noise from far away, perched upon a hill.

In one last attempt to bring order and hope to the tribe, Moses screamed, “No groin attacks! For God’s sake, no groin attacks!” Moses put everything he had into those screams and what came out was hope followed by anger, entrails, pride, hubris, almonds, and then a smidgen of peanut butter. He felt the weight of the world on his shoulder and the force of a yet to be invented combustion engine explode within his chest and he turned around. Moses stared at the person holding his shoulder. Death stared back because Death had yet to lose a staring match and wasn’t planning to start. Moses exhaled and followed Death away from the riot, away from sand, and to another desert kingdom.

“Shouldn’t your … companion be following us?” Moses said, after a long period of silence. There’s nothing akin to “What’s up?” when you’re in the company of an ageless, barely personified force.

/* She Has Work To Do */

“Ah.” Moses didn’t want to press the point.

/* I Think She Will Be Very Busy For The Next Few Centuries */

Moses nodded politely.

/* Women, Am I Right? */

It started to rain, not again but for the first time in a long time.

[(2008 March 23, 5!) .]

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Genesis, appendix A

Adam and Eve tried for a long time to have a child. With no parenting books or friends, they only had God to keep them company, and God was usually very busy with continent building or cell design. “We don’t even know how to have children,” Eve complained. Adam told Eve to be quiet and not say things like that in front of God. Of course, conversations with God always ended ambiguously, usually with a command. Adam would ask God for the time or a simple math question, and God would tell him to plant more of a crop or perhaps till the soil twice as long this year. Adam would grow frustrated, then Eve would grow frustrated, and nothing good came of it except more crops. “It’s like,” as Adam said, “It’s like talking to an infinitely wise brick wall that talks back and threatens to fall on you if you don’t obey its whims.” Adam said this behind God’s back, even though God was omnipresent and by all accounts probably didn’t have a back. God pretended not to hear, but secretly his feelings were hurt. It was tense.

Finally, things came to a head when God threw them out of their rent-controlled Garden of Paradise. The eviction notice came during the noon as Adam and Eve took their daily walk. Even more embarrassing than God’s booming voice was the long trudge back to the gate, where God had posted a burly angel named Ace to guard the place. Adam tried to ask God why he was doing this, but God didn’t reply. His silence seemed to hang over the hair and say in the most infuriating way, “You know what you did.” To Ace, Adam joked, “Who else will live in the Garden of Eden? There’s only the two of us!” Ace glared at Adam, as if the concept of humor and irony personally offended his sensibilities. Adam decided to stop talking to Ace. He took his and Eve’s belongings—some seeds and a turtleneck sweater Eve had made for him–and left, more confused and angry than the time he accidentally stepped on a bird and killed it. Eve trudged behind Adam, knowing he was in one of his funks. “Think of tomorrow as the beginning of the rest of our lives,” she said, trying to cheer Adam up. “He didn’t even leave a phone number,” Adam said. “I don’t even have a phone yet.”

[(2007 December 13) .]

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Leviticus.

  • When the child asks you to burn his hamburger, you must refuse and chide him in infinite wisdom. The child must never ingest carbon; he must never know the truth.
  • In chess, a priest must never sacrifice a pawn. Though this prevents all pawn gambits, we recommend that priests instead use their knight as a coy bait to woo the fickle bishop in an attempt to satirize authority in a limited free speech environment.
  • Cats enjoy to be cleaned using Down; dogs prefer lye. Do not mix these two.
  • After childbirth, remember to remove the strange clod of earth God attaches to newborns’ elbows. That’s God tracking system for his baby warehouses; it is not crucial. Under no circumstances should the child ingest the dirt clod unless you want your child tracked throughout his life by an already omniscient being.
  • If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, let it drown.
  • Yom Kippur should be a school holiday. The children need it.
  • Representation of immortal deities should preferably be made in wood for easy transport. Also, nobody wants to polish a bunch of gods everyday; that’s just degrading to everybody involved.
  • Perform sorcery after you shave and not before not out of any ancient custom but because mustaches attract bears whose hungers have adapted to eating human hair and flesh. Beware the hair bears.
  • Incense should be foregone in favor of candles from Johnson & Johnson, once a family company and now an order company.
  • During Jubilee years, people should act alternatively happy and normal. If this is tiring, suck it up. Your God is a caring God, yes, but He also used to condition young athletes way back when.
[(2007 October 2) .]

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Exodus.

After Commutative died, the college campus closed down pending further investigation and all the students had to go back home. The parkings lots, the cafés, and the libraries all closed; everything became empty except for the distant sound of police radio chatter and detectives almost-silently shuffling their quiet, detective feet.

John became an outlaw of sorts. Too drunk to remember anything, the party guests could not pinpoint John as the murderer. In fact, John became kind of a hero because he protested the police investigation the loudest for whatever reason. The party guests began to follow John around. When John went to his dormitory, so did the party guests. When John slept, the guests would blow on his eyelashes to scare away the ever growing population of tsetse flies. And when John went to the bathroom, the guests rotated the water and filled the toilet bowl with the utmost care.

His followers amassed around him until naught but a handful had ever seen him. He became a mythical being, whose visage was not as nearly as important as the idea of John. In short, people stopping believing in him and started believing in him. John didn’t know what to do; he was just as scared as the idea of an abstract self as the people were enthralled. He became a nervous, stuttering man; his small band of central followers abandoned John the Concrete entirely in the middle of the nearby forest one day.

When the Disciples—as they called themselves—ransacked his dorm, all they found were props from his short-lived stint as a member of a theater troupe. John had played a bit role in All that Glitters is Not Gold, a play written by John in which the theater troupe ironically explored alternatives to gold as a monetary backing for the new nation of American back in 1524 when Jefferson and Lincoln got together to write a Destitution of Rights. Needless to say, few were attracted by the half-hearted satirical premise, and fewer still enjoyed the historical inaccuracies. The Disciples decided to use the gold crown John wore as Village Man #9 to symbolize John.

People began following the gold crown around. Because the Disciples had not the forethought to plot the crown’s path across the country side from the campus to God knows where, they ended up in the Utah desert where they wandered for days avoiding vultures and Mormons and Mormon vultures that would land on cacti and build little, self-sustaining but creepy vulture communities. One by one, the white garments everybody had bought from nearby chic Target store caught on fire until all that remained of the group were ashes. You could see them because they would dot every mile or so as whatever straggling person would collapse from the exothermic combustion reaction between garment and air.

Meanwhile, John the Concrete strolled through the forest and enjoyed the peace for as long as he could, limited only by his scarce berry-scavenging skills. He vaguely remembered the place and chalked the imperfect memory to the dilapidated condition of the forest, which resembled the college dormitories; the forest looked as if nymphs had struck for better wages months ago and the forest management were too broke to call in for scabs. John the Concrete wrote a book about the forest hoping to attract fixer-uppers. It was called Walden, and it became instantly successful. Despite John’s best efforts, they used the forest to manufacture the pulp needed for the book including the free engraved wood carving of a bird the publisher attached to the back cover of every book as a promotional effort.

The forest disappeared eventually, and people kept on reading about a forest they thought never existed. People said it was an allegory for railroads and infrastructure or something along those lines, something as postmodern and chic as Target. They made pilgrimages to where they thought the forest was, traveling miles outside the college city and circling around the spot, hoping to find something besides the dense car smoke that choked whatever was left of the forest ecosystem.

[(2007 September 16) .]

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Genesis

It rained for a long, long time.

The two children, John and Commutative, argued constantly. At first, their mother Evelyn thought this was normal. But the rain changed everything. Their arguments took a more violent turn. She was sure those marks on their backs were knife cuts, and her vague maternal instinct would tell her to put a “Band-Aid” on them, but she nor anyone in her family were sure what these “Band-Aids” were.

Dad, however, didn’t care; he sat on the couch all day and stared at the wall, regretting something he couldn’t possibly remember. Also, “TV” popped into his brain, but nobody knew what this meant either.

It was an unhappy marriage, and it wasn’t easy on John or Commutative.

When they were nine, John and Commutative went off to college where they met Noah, the carpenter nerd of the campus. While everybody else went off to keg parties or hangover powwows, Noah would stay home and study or stay home and build model ships or stay home and read. Also, when he told people he wanted to be a carpenter, people would stare at him and think, “Who wants to be a carpenter?”

It was at one of these parties at a well-known fraternity, Sigma Delta Mu, where a huge fight chanced, purely by accident and not in any way staged as a test of faith or morals for anyone because these tests were widely considered “gay.” A scrawny freshman named Lot claimed the last margarita-lime, salt, and all-and a tall, menacing figure named Townspeople, affectionately dubbed so perhaps because that was the largest population of people he had maimed consecutively. “That was mine!” cried Lot. “Shitexit the fucking dance floor, gaybitch,” said Townspeople, never one to mince words. Townspeople grabbed Lot by the collar and yelled, “You’re mine!” He cast his Lot outside and laughed.

Commutative watched this. Also being the scrawny one compared to his toned, burlap sack-like figure of a brother, he decided when push came to shove that he was going to shove back. A large crowd, which many today would call “everybody,” gathered around Commutative and Townspeople, or Townspeople and Commutative. John put a sinewy hand on his brother’s shoulder, which was fairly revolting. “Hey-” “Shitexit out the circle. You wouldn’t understand.” John felt hurt and the need to see a “family therapist” although later, when he asked his friends, nobody knew what this meant. So he stabbed Commutative in the back with his knife and watched him bleed to death.

It began to rain again.

[(2006 December 8) .]