More than a utensil.
PaperMate’s Gel Laxatives: Comes out smooth every time.
A weblog by Hao Lian.
A terrible secret guarded by golems.
A note that thanks you for being born, all those years ago.
PaperMate’s Gel Laxatives: Comes out smooth every time.
So a Cinnamon Crunch cereal goes like this these days: An inspector from a police arrives at a homicide scene amid a crowd. He quickly deduces the twist is that the murder was committed by two people. He does a good job; he’s a good guy. Then three kids, who are at a homicide scene for some inexplicable reason holding a cereal bowl, yell, “Can you see why we like Cinnamon Crunch so much?” First of all, bringing cereal everywhere you go is a great way to get beat up. Compounding that by yelling “Why the hell do I like this so much?” every day is Free Concussion Day. Anyway, the inspector is pretty confused as you might imagine because three of the most annoying tween kids just showed up at the scene of a murder with cereal and some pretty tough questions. He can’t give a good answer, and the kids begin making fun of him. Seriously? The guy solves crimes for a living. You carry cereal everywhere you go. You think you’re better? The social hierarchy according to General Mills goes like this, from least to most important: black people (there are none), other minorities, women, men, policemen, kids, kids with cereal, kids with cereal and cereal-related puzzlers.
The creepiest insurance commercial by far, even edging out the one where Sam Waterson assaults and kills a little old lady, is Allstate’s “Anything can happen” skit. In it, Dennis Haybert—best known for his roles in 24 and Please, Somebody, My Publicist is Forcing Me to Do Insurance Commercials at Gunpoint (the remake)—soothingly talks to you about what could happen to your house, your children, your kids, and so forth all in the noble pursuit of getting you to buy insurance. If that’s not bad enough, there’s a guy driving around imagining what happens to the houses and people around him. Because “at Allstate, we’re always watching out for you.* Cut to the guy driving past a house. We get a shot of the house, which cuts away to an imagined shot of the house burning down. Cut to the guy driving past a wedding. We get a shot of the bride and groom kissing, which cuts away to a priest standing behind a coffin at a funeral. Suggested alternative mottoes for Allstate: