The Dark Balloon

A weblog by Hao Lian.
A terrible secret guarded by golems.
A note that thanks you for being born, all those years ago.

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Gerard, who now has a story about him.

It’s time to talk about Gerard.

GERARD, WHO IS IN A CAFE SIPPING ESPRESSO.

Gerard is a middle-aged Parisian man with a long thin mustache and a beret. The beret was given to him by his father shortly before his father died. Gerard has no last name. Gerard has no father.

GERARD, WHO IS ACTUALLY A SUPERHERO.

Gerard does not remember when he got his powers. Possibly last year, possibly a few years back. In Paris, time passes like molasses and Gerard does not own a calendar. He does not own a television either.

IN HIS FREE TIME, GERARD READS NEWSPAPERS AND BOOKS.

Gerard’s favorite flavor of espresso is vanilla. He sips it hunched over his usual outdoors table. The table’s sleek black umbrella covers his sleek body, hunched over his tiny cup of coffee on its tinier saucer. He picks up the cup handle with his forefinger and thumb, brings it to his lips, and tilts. He drinks coffee as we dream people should.

GERARD SOMETIMES FIGHTS CRIME.

When he sees a lady being mugged, Gerard unconsciously feels his mustache and sprints into action. Running across the softly lit streets of Paris at dusk, he looks not unlike a black-and-white Luigi. “Stop, sir!” he cries in beautifully enunciated French, which is probably something like “Monsieur, sacre bleu!”

GERARD KNOWS FRENCH COMPETENTLY, NOT LIKE US.

The criminal unhands the lady and sprints away. Gerard rushes to catch the woman as she faints. Her eyes flutter open at his touch.

“Oh, Gerard,” she says breathlessly, “it’s you.”

Gerard is famous among the Parisians, even he knows that now and cannot deny it.

“Yes, ma’am.” (What is that, “Oui, madame?” Tsk, tsk.)

GERARD IS SINGLE, HE HAS REASONS.

At age thirty, Gerard lost his wife. His wife was as sleek as he was, but more angular and vivacious. She wore dresses that fit just perfectly. Gerard remembers her tinkling laugh as he helped her into and out of them. Gerard remembers all the times she ever kissed him (7,381,281), especially the last one as she passed on in the hospital. She had full lips that always seemed bigger than his. She is missed.

GERARD IS A SUPERHERO IN SMALL WAYS, MOSTLY.

Gerard remembers walking past the small child sitting on the curb, his head in his arms. He leans down to this child and talks to him in a low murmur. He whispers, “You did the right thing.” to him, stands up, and walks away. The words are almost no comfort at all, but they are the best, if not the only, conduit by which anyone can reach the boy, who is distant and lonely and lost. That is all we can hope for. That is all we can be.

GERARD IS NOT THE BEST SUPERHERO, BUT HE IS A SUPERHERO. SOMETIMES THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH.

[(2011 January 19) .]

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If there are love handles, there must also be burn handles!

If you remember from Dark Balloon past, you’ll recall the bold adventures of IntricacyMan!

“Where are my keys?” “Have you seen Billy?” “What’s up with Marsha’s hair?”

All these questions, and more, can be answered by IntricacyMan! Defender of good! Fighter of e-vil! Interior designer!

Today, IntricacyMan pays a visit to the cafeteria!

IntricacyMan walked into the cafeteria, bringing The Nitpicker with him.

“I’m really hungry, you know? It’s weird; I’ve been getting a lot of that lately. I think it might have to do with old age,” IntricacyMan said to The Nitpicker.

“Mm.”

IntricacyMan turned around around. “You’re not even listening to me, are you?”

“Sure, sure, you were talking about liver spots or something.”

“Christ—and for frigging sake will you stop doing that to your nose? It’s like you’re The Nosepicker or something.”

“There’s no need to mention my brother,” The Nitpicker said, sadly.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“You know he has mental problems,” The Nitpicker muttered.

All of a sudden, someone started choking!

“Look, look!” The Nitpicker poked IntricacyMan.

“Stop that! Stop that!”

“That woman’s choking! Do something!”

“Well, first of all, she could just be having a heart attack. The gestures she’s making, it’s kind of ambiguous,” said IntricacyMan.

“Hey, do you want to be The Nitpicker? Is that it?”

“OK, OK, hold your horses. I’m just doing your job since you seem to suck so badly at it.”

“You know I just went through a divorce!” The Nitpicker shouted, grabbing the attention of the entire cafeteria. The people who rushed to help the choking grandma stopped and inched closer, expecting drama. The lunch ladies stopped ladling. The grandma even gurgled a little bit quieter.

“Technically, it was an annulment,” IntricacyMan pointed out.

“There! You’re doing it again! Stop it! I’m The Nitpicker!”

“Look, can we just stop arguing?”

“This isn’t an argument! It’s more like I’m screaming at a stupid monkey!”

“So you would say it’s more like a brawl?” said IntricacyMan.

The Nitpicker gave a frustrated shout and left the cafeteria. IntricacyMan sighed and looked at the wide-eyed, frozen lunch lady in front of him. Her name was Marge.

“Look—” IntricacyMan bent down to read the name tag, “—Jeff, it’s nothing. I’ll just get him a card or something.”

Marge stared.

“Could I have the chili?”

Marge kept staring.

“Christ—” IntricacyMan shot his heat beams at Marge, giving her third-degree burns.

“The quality of service these days,” he muttered as he too left the cafeteria, hoping to catch up to The Nitpicker before the screams, the choking, the gurgles, and the bustle of the cafeteria got to him.

[(2009 January 4, 2!) .]

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Just to fall asleep with you

  • Vastly superior heroes trying to make their way home
  • Oh vastly superior heroes, don’t you know?
  • This is the way, the fabulous way, the way to go

  • Vastly superior heroes stopping for a coffee
  • Gotta be environmentally conscious, choose the paper cup
  • Shove it in the barista’s face and demand, “Fill ’er up!”

  • Vastly superior heroes crossing a large chasm
  • No time to get a cramp, no time to wonder why you haven’t been laid in months
  • Gotta be spontaneous, gotta be super tough

  • Vastly superior heroes walking away from a crime scene
  • Follow that trail of gasoline and light a match
  • Drop it! Watch it burn! The government, your virility they want to snatch!

  • Vastly superior heroes! They’re out there,
  • Vastly superior heroes! they know your name!
  • Vastly superior heroes! They have a cannon in their chests
  • Vastly superior heroes! that shoots vastly superior flame!
[(2006 September 10) .]

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Doesn’t fly with the disabled guy.

“I don’t understand.” “What shall I do?” “Who will help me?”

These questions and more are answered by IntricacyMan! Today, IntricacyMan pays a visit to Dark Bob.

“Dark Bob is in distress. Quick! To the IntricUV!”

IntricacyMan bursts through Dark Bob’s door.

“Hey, that’s my door! I paid a—Gah! Once again, you have bested me, IntricacyMan!” said Dark Bob.

“I came as soon as I heard,” said IntricacyMan, sitting down the chair and unwittingly scuffing Dark Bob’s table.

Dark Bob twitched and then smiled evilly. In a paper-thin voice, he asked, “What do you know about the intricacies of … pain?”

But IntricacyMan was not listening because he was reading. Reading … the newspaper.

“Have you seen this?” he said, munching on a doughnut, “This Russian ballet troupe is very good.”

Dark Bob waves impatiently. “Yes, yes, now what can you tell me about … pa—”

“No, I mean it. This troupe is very good. Did you know that ballet is a highly exalted art in Russia?”

“—in.”

“It’s true. It’s immensely fascinating. Some of these people have practiced since age 5. Can you believe that? Imagine. Doing ballet for over half your life.” IntricacyMan finished his donut.

“Well, that does it for me. See you around,” he said, walking out the back door, tracking mud all over Dark Bob’s lair, which was also his house.

Stay tuned next week for more adventures of IntricacyMan!

[(2005 August 22) .]