Boo.
The creepiest insurance commercial by far, even edging out the one where Sam Waterson assaults and kills a little old lady, is Allstate’s “Anything can happen” skit. In it, Dennis Haybert—best known for his roles in 24 and Please, Somebody, My Publicist is Forcing Me to Do Insurance Commercials at Gunpoint (the remake)—soothingly talks to you about what could happen to your house, your children, your kids, and so forth all in the noble pursuit of getting you to buy insurance. If that’s not bad enough, there’s a guy driving around imagining what happens to the houses and people around him. Because “at Allstate, we’re always watching out for you.* Cut to the guy driving past a house. We get a shot of the house, which cuts away to an imagined shot of the house burning down. Cut to the guy driving past a wedding. We get a shot of the bride and groom kissing, which cuts away to a priest standing behind a coffin at a funeral. Suggested alternative mottoes for Allstate:
- Allstate: Your death is imminent.
- Allstate: Have you considered the many ways in which your children might die?
- Allstate: Holy shit, watch out. Psych. You wimp.
- Allstate: We drive around picturing you dead so you don’t have to. For a price. Bitches.
- Allstate: Death death death death death death.