The Dark Balloon

A weblog by Hao Lian.
A journey into the soft of night.
A terrible secret guarded by golems.

§
There’s a lot of astral projection in this story.

It’s your story, your voice, your choices, and I don’t want to question them, but why these words?

Comments Written By Actual Students Extracted From Workshopped Manuscripts at a Major University, collected by Tanya Rey for McSweeney’s.

[(2009 June 5) • • • • .]

Recent comments (HAO, Jammies.) • (Tim, Jammies.) • (Prashanth, Wedding.) • (Hao, Hands.) • (Prashanth, Hands.).

Recent posts (03/18, The Daily Show: Oscar Romero and textbooks.) • (02/03, Butter-related greetings.) • (01/18, Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day.) • (01/18, Chances, part one.) • (01/02, Jammies.).

§
The Morton salt girl responds to an overt attempt at flirting.

Recently, I was tagged by some creepy low-life to list seven personal things about me.

  1. Salt.

  2. Calcium cation.

  3. Silicate anion.

  4. Dextrose.

  5. Potassium cation.

  6. Iodine anion.

  7. I have a thing for the Brawny man.

I tag Prashanth and Ethan, who are my only non-molecular friends. They must begin their responses with “Dear Penthouse Forum: Recently, I was tagged by the Morton salt girl.”

[(2009 January 18, 3!) • • .]

§
What we talk about when we talk about laughter.

For the purpose of conserving already-endangered Bytes, please slap yo-self in the butt and absolutely do not bring up any of the following in a conversation about The Daily Show and The Colbert Report:

  • Anything related to Jon Stewart’s appearance on Crossfire;
  • Anything related to Crossfire’s cancellation;
  • “Stephen Colbert seems kind of arrogant”;
  • Colbert is funnier;
  • Stewart is funnier;
  • Colbert’s show is too silly for me;
  • “I can’t believe a comedy show is more trustworthy than the news networks”;
  • Talk about this mysterious, imaginary “Steven” Colbert; or
  • Do the same for “John” Stewart.

With your help, we can save the Byte and prevent it from going the way of the now-extinct bit. Talking about anything else would be extremely appreciated, repetitious bastards.

[(2008 August 18) • • • .]

§
Things a man named Pushpal owns.

  • Hairpal
  • A PAL
  • Palcushion
  • Opalion
  • Spal
  • Appalled
  • Spalster
  • Pale tree
  • Palot noir
  • Turpaltine
  • Clothespal
  • Aspal
  • Lupale
  • Palt
  • Bowling pals
  • Lapel pal
  • Dolphal
  • Heroal
  • Vulva!
[(2008 June 28) • • .]

§
Boo.

The creepiest insurance commercial by far, even edging out the one where Sam Waterson assaults and kills a little old lady, is Allstate’s “Anything can happen” skit. In it, Dennis Haybert—best known for his roles in 24 and Please, Somebody, My Publicist is Forcing Me to Do Insurance Commercials at Gunpoint (the remake)—soothingly talks to you about what could happen to your house, your children, your kids, and so forth all in the noble pursuit of getting you to buy insurance. If that’s not bad enough, there’s a guy driving around imagining what happens to the houses and people around him. Because “at Allstate, we’re always watching out for you.* Cut to the guy driving past a house. We get a shot of the house, which cuts away to an imagined shot of the house burning down. Cut to the guy driving past a wedding. We get a shot of the bride and groom kissing, which cuts away to a priest standing behind a coffin at a funeral. Suggested alternative mottoes for Allstate:

  • Allstate: Your death is imminent.
  • Allstate: Have you considered the many ways in which your children might die?
  • Allstate: Holy shit, watch out. Psych. You wimp.
  • Allstate: We drive around picturing you dead so you don’t have to. For a price. Bitches.
  • Allstate: Death death death death death death.
[(2008 April 1) • • • .]