The Dark Balloon

A weblog by Hao Lian.
A terrible secret guarded by golems.
A note that thanks you for being born, all those years ago.

§
The fountain.

The business school building was a generous donation from the Gentrifik family. Built of marble and columns, it stood above a rectangular fountain with a statue of the Gentrifiks in the center. The fountain’s job was to spray water, much as the Gentrifiks’ job was to spray money. Water gushed from the floor, from the Gentrifiks’ eyes, from the sides, and from the air, carried by the wind as a mist. Kids played at the edges, water lapping their feet. Adults sat at the bench surrounding the fountain, admiring the fountain by reading or being absorbed in their own problems. Students exit the fat white rectangle and run down the steps. Students take off their shoes and socks and backpack and run into the fountain. Students would climb the statue in the center, slippery footholds and all. Students would take the climb all the way to the top, miles and miles above the water, above the children and adults and reading and absorbing. Students would perch on the top, fumble their pockets, and pull an orange thing of blood thinner pills. Students would ingest them all in a gulp and leap and plummet for what seemed like forever but was really ten minutes, because that’s what it took to fall all the way down, because that’s what it took for all the blood thinners to squirm their way into the students’ veins and arteries and all the other fantastical backalleys, and students would be unthinking, per usual, and students would land with a great noise—a splash and a smear—and students would lie their in the water not moving, not feeling, not doing anything really, and students would have their blood seep out quickly like hot red milk plunged into ice water and students would have their blood circulate through the fountain and students would have their five point seven three liters of blood misted over to the adults and children and reading and absorbing who would all suddenly feel the delightful same.

[(2009 October 1) .]

§
Vroom.

  • [on who’s the sexual assault victim when both people are drunk]
  • Me: The Official University Metaphor is: If you’re a drunken driver and you hit a drunken pedestrian, who’s at fault?
  • Me: And I’ve yet to comprehend it.
  • Candyman: It’s the driver because he’s bigger and stronger.
  • Me: I wanted to blurt out, “You’re right, my penis is a lot like a car. I’ve never noticed that.”
  • Me: And then make quiet beep-beep sounds.
[(2008 September 21) .]

§
The allure of a mean friend, 5.

  • Candyman: DIDLS.
  • Candyman: At the beginning of the year, James kept saying, “Why doesn’t Mrs. Achenbach use the mnemonic SLIDD?”
  • Me: I think James is the only person who doesn’t fear Achenbach.
  • Candyman: Achenbach: “James, I’m going to burn your hair right now.”
  • Candyman: James: “No you’re not.”
  • Candyman: Achenbach: “I have the matches right here.”
  • Candyman: James: “No you don’t.”
  • Candyman: Achenbach: [Goes to her desk and pulls out matches.]
  • Candyman: James: [Utterly awestruck.]
[(2008 July 6) .]

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The allure of a mean friend.

  • Candyman: Oh, my parents can drive us Friday.
  • Me: Great. I will expect both your parents to be there.
  • Me: I will not get into the car for anything less.
  • Candyman: Then I guess you’ll walk.
  • Candyman: It’ll help you lose some of those pounds.
  • Me: You should learn to drive instead. It’ll help you earn some money driving around other people with your broke-ass chaffeur self.
  • Candyman: So says Mr. I’m So Poor I Get Financial Aid.
  • Me: Which I hear is a major at your school these days.
  • Candyman: Acutally, it might be.
  • Candyman: We have a “make your own major” department.
  • Me: You could get a PhD in being an awful person.
  • Candyman: That’s one more subject I can get a PhD in.
[(2008 July 6) .]