The Dark Balloon

A weblog by Hao Lian.
A journey into the soft of night.
A terrible secret guarded by golems.

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Problems.

  • Candyman: I think her name is Tong-Tong or something.
  • Candyman: Apparently she’s really good at physics.
  • Candyman: So good that she takes five or six hours to finish problem sets that should really take no more than 1.5 hours to solve and type.
  • Me: Ha, you’re just jealous of Tong-Tong’s ability to not make any Wrong-Wrongs on her physics tests.
  • Candyman: hahahaha
[(2009 October 17) • • .]

Recent comments (HAO, Jammies.) • (Tim, Jammies.) • (Prashanth, Wedding.) • (Hao, Hands.) • (Prashanth, Hands.).

Recent posts (07/31, Life is precious and God and the Bible.) • (03/18, The Daily Show: Oscar Romero and textbooks.) • (02/03, Butter-related greetings.) • (01/18, Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day.) • (01/18, Chances, part one.).

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The longest journey.

  • Candyman: Here, the RAs have the keys to everyone’s room, so you just walk down a couple of door and get the key.
  • me: A great idea that earns the college $0 and is therefore unacceptable.
  • me: We can however ask the RAs at Princeton for condoms at any time.
  • me: I wonder if keeping a bag of condoms on you at all times is worth the larger room and the stipend.
  • me: Not to mention the wonderfully smooth and natural conversations with people who ask you for them.
  • Candyman: To get our free condoms, we take a bus to the central campus, walk 10 minutes, and then enter a dingy house.
  • me: hahahaha
[(2009 August 19) • • .]

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The allure of a mean friend, 7.

  • Me: Aren’t you going to ask me what my sixth sense is?
  • Candyman: Sure.
  • Candyman: Love?
  • Me: Non
  • Candyman: Okay, what is it?
  • Me: Non
  • Candyman: Non?
  • Me: non
[(2008 September 21) • • .]

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The allure of a mean friend, 6.

  • Candyman: Again, you’re just jealous.
  • Me: You’re just ugly.
  • Me: Which naturally trumps jealous because I’m jealous with flair.
[(2008 July 7) • • .]

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The allure of a mean friend, 5.

  • Candyman: DIDLS.
  • Candyman: At the beginning of the year, James kept saying, “Why doesn’t Mrs. Achenbach use the mnemonic SLIDD?”
  • Me: I think James is the only person who doesn’t fear Achenbach.
  • Candyman: Achenbach: “James, I’m going to burn your hair right now.”
  • Candyman: James: “No you’re not.”
  • Candyman: Achenbach: “I have the matches right here.”
  • Candyman: James: “No you don’t.”
  • Candyman: Achenbach: [Goes to her desk and pulls out matches.]
  • Candyman: James: [Utterly awestruck.]
[(2008 July 6) • • • .]

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The allure of a mean friend, 4.

  • Me: Five bucks say I can get Daniel to call her.
  • Candyman: I’d agree.
  • Candyman: That’s our mission over the next four weeks.
  • Candyman: “A—, will you go to prom with me?” —Daniel
  • Me: Get him to say “promenade” instead.
  • Candyman: Haha.
  • Candyman: And mispronounce it.
  • Me: Get him to pronounce it to rhyme with “lemonade.”
[(2008 July 6) • • • .]

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The allure of a mean friend, 3.

  • Candyman: So, Daniel started a conversation with me today.
  • Me: Somebody should.
[(2008 July 6) • • .]

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The allure of a mean friend, 2.

  • Me: He looks like a Galapagos turtle.
  • Me: I’ve been sitting on that observation for two months now.
  • Candyman: He also invented a preliminary touch screen.
  • Me: Turtles are smart.
  • Some time later
  • Me: Eagles are horny.
[(2008 July 6) • • • .]

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The allure of a mean friend.

  • Candyman: Oh, my parents can drive us Friday.
  • Me: Great. I will expect both your parents to be there.
  • Me: I will not get into the car for anything less.
  • Candyman: Then I guess you’ll walk.
  • Candyman: It’ll help you lose some of those pounds.
  • Me: You should learn to drive instead. It’ll help you earn some money driving around other people with your broke-ass chaffeur self.
  • Candyman: So says Mr. I’m So Poor I Get Financial Aid.
  • Me: Which I hear is a major at your school these days.
  • Candyman: Acutally, it might be.
  • Candyman: We have a “make your own major” department.
  • Me: You could get a PhD in being an awful person.
  • Candyman: That’s one more subject I can get a PhD in.
[(2008 July 6) • • • .]